UCSF Time of Remembrance
On Tuesday, May 16th, our whole family attended the second annual Time of Remembrance at UCSF. This is a ceremony for families who have lost a child -- of any age from stillbirth through teens -- at UCSF. This year, Erica was chosen as one of the speakers to give a "personal reflection". This is the gist of what she said:
The last two years or so, my life has been characterized by a series of questions.
- How did I get pregnant? How will we handle this?
- What if Paul has something fatal? How do you plan a funeral for a baby?
- How do we balance my health & his health? What if my organs start shutting down? How long can we keep him inside? What if I go into labor?
- How do we handle his disabilities? What do we do if he gets to leave the hospital but can't come home?
- How do we know when it's time to remove the ventilator and other life support? How do we deal with this?
- How will we survive? How do I even get up in the morning?
After Paul died, there were different questions. Some were unanswerable and only led to bitterness and more pain :
- Why us?
- Why Paul?
- Why do those people get to have a healthy baby and we don't?
- How can I face yet another person who asks where my baby is? How do I keep from answering "Saint Joseph's Cemetery in San Pablo"?
Other questions have led to positive things:
- How can we bear this pain? How do others survive?
-
- We started attending SAND meetings periodically and made some really special friendships.
- How can I turn my pain into something positive?
-
- Picked up my knitting needles and knit my grief, then wrote about it.
- How can we honor Paul's life and use it to help others?
-
- Donated his life insurance money to The Hope Technology School.
- Did the March of Dimes walk.
- Made a donation to UCSF Children's Hospital on the anniversary of his death.
- Make an annual donation to the Macy's tree-lighting to benefit UCSF Children's Hospital.
- How can I help other parents like us with babies like Paul?
-
- Made preemie hats for UCSF ICN.
- Made hats & other things for The Preemie Project.
- Working with other parents from SAND to provide care packages for parents of dying babies.
- How can I raise PAIL (Pregnancy And Infant Loss) awareness?
-
- Wear picture button of Paul July 12 - 31 every year.
- Wear the button during PAIL Awareness Month every October.
- How can we use our pain to educate others?
-
- Spoke at Synergy nursing conference in November.
- How can I reach out to others in the world at large?
-
- Had the story of knitting my grief published in December in a major online knitting magazine.
All these great things that have happened since Paul's death by no means make his death worth it or OK -- nothing could -- but with each positive thing, the pain is a little less raw, the load a little lighter, and I take another step or two toward healing.
|
His legacy
Add to favorites 
